It's Time to Start Auditioning

I keep going back to where it all began, dating in groups, no hanging out in bedrooms, dart from guys who give the wrong color roses and scantily clad women on their walls. I have to say, that last one is a lot easier thanks to social media. I no longer have to peek into their teenage bedrooms on the way to the bathroom to see if I am going to be measured against plastic perfection. Halleluah!

We didn't talk much about virtues as a teenager, only rules. Now, I find myself an adult trying to play and obey the same rules I had 20 years ago, and this time actively trying to protect the fragile virtues carried by the daughter of a stripper and a playboy. I cannot say either were rock stars in these roles they passed down in blood, bones, and memory, yet these are behaviors I fight against, desire, curiosity, hunger. I hear myself in moments of temptation reminding myself, I want to be good, and I do. This tear in the fabric of my being keeps me in a constant state of rebellion and suppression, one battling the other. Hold back, go! No, don't, yes, maybe...

Today, I am standing in shallow waters trying not let myself drown in the undertow, the war between good and bad, the adoration for someone that makes my soul happy and fills me with joy that only wants the body. I keep meeting wonderful people who are smart, funny, kind, from good families who want to share experiences with me and life not my whole life thank God...the prospect would terrify me into doing the one thing on this earth I detest the most...cardio! I meet men who want to laugh with me, to share me with their friends and family. Yet here I am, crazy about someone who shields me from his. Today, I am sad. I am holding back which is my strongest defense and skill. I spent a year free falling until the air was knocked out of me when I landed without a net, and the last several months leaning in, but only enough. 

I had opened up to dating or at least to hanging out and making friends then POOF, he reappeared. I try to get together in groups, sitting on far ends of couches, public outings, waiting on someone to make me bloom in their presence. So far, they don't. They accept what they see and no one peels back the layers except the one, that one, a puppet at the hands of his mother, father, friends, except when we are alone. Then, he is the ring master, and I am the circus, the entire circus, walking the tightrope, wearing the tutu, roaring, balancing, painted face, polka dots, stripes, bright colors, and the inspiration for shock, awe and applause. 

I have been slowly arriving at the point where I no longer care how incredible we are together on our wildly entertaining ring of amusement, fascination, and wonder, practicing for the audience in a world, our world, where no one else exists to see the show. 

It is absolutely incredible to be with him. I melt. I surrender. With a point or gentle tap all my inhibitions fall away, apprehension fades, and it makes me crazy that I am only able to do this with him, the ring master. I have had moments of openness or of being intentionally agreeable, but with him I am completely vulnerable and never fear it though I know I should. I always knew I should, but it was so natural to surrender. THAT IS NOT ME! 

In my usual rebellion, I have taken the challenge to say yes more often, to be open to dating, and to give less of myself to someone who only wants me on his terms and has had no interest in the last five months to be a part of my world. In five months he hasn't had dinner in my kitchen. He hasn't taken me to his community pool. He hasn't shared my home though welcomes me into his. We live separate lives much like I did in my 15 year marriage that left.